The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said." Nancy M. Carson
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SELF INCRIMINATION?
Oklahoma City -- Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. Mike Avery
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EVIDENCE THAT SMELLS
The Dutch have come up with a new way of catching criminals, that's even better than fingerprints, it's called smell prints. Apparently, each of us not only has one unmistakable fingerprint and DNA, but we also have a unique scent that is identifiable. In solving a crime, the police can retrieve an article used by the perpetrator (such as a gun), and extract a smell print from the object in as little as 20 minutes. The smell can then be stored for as long as 4 years. Once a suspect is apprehended, he is asked to wash, and then handle a cloth for a few minutes. The cloth is then placed in a line up and a specially trained dog is given the original smell print to examine. The dog is then asked to identify all the smells in the line up. If the dog finds a match, he barks at the container identifying which one. To make the evidence admissible in court, the process is repeated but this time without the suspects smell. This new crime fighting tool has solved hundreds of cases in Holland, and they are now starting to archive known criminals' smells to compare against outstanding crimes. W.I.S.E.CRAKS
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KISSING FREEDOM GOOD-BYE
Newport News, Virginia -- Criminals are routinely nabbed because they leave fingerprints or stray DNA behind at the scene. A peeping Tom suspect in Virginia left lip prints. Police arrested Robert N. Smith, 41, on Tuesday for allegedly peeping into apartments after the state forensic crime laboratory was able to match his lip print with one taken off a window at one of the apartments. "We get fingerprints all the time, but that's not the case, obviously, with lip prints," Paul Ferrara, director of the state Division of Forensic Science, said Friday. The print was discovered on an apartment window Aug. 18, and a detective lifted the print Sept. 11. Smith was arrested and charged with indecent exposure at the same apartment complex about two weeks later. Police got a search warrant for Smith's lips and found they had their man. The indecent exposure charge was dropped at Smith's trial Tuesday when the chief witness failed to appear, but he was arrested on five misdemeanor peeping charges as he was leaving court. He remains free on bond awaiting trial. He faces up to a year in jail. WhiteBoard News for Monday, December 15, 1997 Joseph Harper Received from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List -=+=- The Good, Clean Funnies List
Disturbing Medical Stories
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, Georgia**
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
INNER SKELETON
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr. old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball.
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